For me, winter brought death to the dream that some organization would give me a home; provide me with income security; support me while I do the work that I know needs to be done in my field. It has made me see that I am on my own; that I have to create my own non-profit organization; and find my own funding. While I still feel young and inexperienced; I am neither. While I am still looking for someone who will make things happen in my field; I am coming to realize that I may be the someone I have been waiting for. I am coming to see that I am no longer the Maiden or the Mother; it is time for me to embrace my role as Crone. It is time to claim the wealth of my experience; to recognize the expertise I have developed; to trust my intuition; to step into my power.
Why is that so hard? Why is that so terrifying? For years, people have been telling me I should set up a non-profit organization; people have been asking me to hire them. What can others see that I cannot? For years, I have been frustrated in my work; feeling that there is so much more that public health should be doing in my field; feeling limited in my role; feeling disappointed in my “leaders”. I am tired of working for lesser people; people who lack passion; people who lack vision; people who lack creativity and imagination. I want more from life!
I have been waiting for someone to “see” me; to recognize the skills I possess; to give me the opportunity to do the work that needs doing. But I am slowly coming to realize that leaders are people who recognize themselves; people who see what needs to be done; people who have the vision and the creativity to make new things happen. What holds me back? It is not my former “boss”. It is not the current Executive Director I am working with! It is me!!! There is a scene in the Lord of the Rings where Gandalf is preparing himself to fight the Balrog; he shouts out his many names; he declares his many accomplishments. He is building power. He is reminding himself of who he is; he is calling forward the power within himself. That is what I must do. It is time to stand up; to claim my accomplishments; to recognize my abilities; to step forward and claim my power.