Grief for the Child Lost

The Whole Gang - 1998We have just returned from my step-daughter’s wedding.  It was held at sunset on a beach in Mexico.  My step-daughter, Jessica, was raised in Mexico by her mom and step-dad with a half-brother and half-sister.  The venue for the wedding was stunning; the bride was gorgeous; the ceremony was heart-felt; and the celebration was beautiful. But the wedding day and all of the days surrounding it have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for all of us.

My step-daughter did everything in her power to make her dad, our two children (who are also her half-brother and half-sister) and me feel welcome.  She provided us with a beautiful place to stay; she included us in the ceremony; she made my daughter a bridesmaid; and she visited us every day.  But during the three days of celebrations, we felt like outsiders in Rebecca’s life.

When we spend time with Jessica in our home, she feels like part of our family.  She fits in seamlessly.  She shares stories, and listens and laughs and cries with us.  But, when we were down in Mexico, we saw her with her mother and the sister and brother with whom she was raised.  We could all see how much more intimate those relationships are.  My daughter came away feeling like an imposter; crushed by the closeness she sensed between Jessica and her other sister.  My son came home feeling like a distant relative to his sister.

Rebecca, 9 years oldFor my husband and I, the really difficult part was seeing Jessica with her husband’s family. She has married into a very big, close-knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins who have little interest in people outside of their family or ethnic group.  We were overwhelmed by this family in numbers, in wealth and in energy.  The groom’s parents treated us like “guests” at their son’s wedding; not the family of the bride.

Jessica and her husband live close to this big extended family.  She works with her father-in-law.  She and her husband are currently living with her in-laws while they renovate their home.  The wedding was held in the in-law’s vacation home. My husband and I could not help but feel that we have lost Rebecca all over again; this time to the family of the groom.

The reality is that we lost her many years ago when her mother took her to Mexico; the first time when she was two; the second time when she was five; the third time when she was 11.  It is a reality we fought at the time; a reality that we have fought over and over again.  We know we are important to Jesssica.  We know that she wants to be close to us.  But the reality is that she did not get to grow up with us or with our children.  We wanted her to; we fought for that; but we lost.

Today Jessica lives in Los Angelas, on the other side of the continent from us, and five minutes from her husband’s big tight-knit family.  While someone might have been to blame for tearing her out of our lives many years ago, today there is no one to blame.  She has done nothing wrong; she has found love and happiness for which we are incredibly grateful.  We have done nothing wrong but moved on with our lives as we needed to.  No one is at fault.  It just is.  We love her.  We miss her.  And her life is somewhere else.  There are other people; other parents, others siblings who are closer to her; physically and emotionally.  It is heart-breaking.  But there it is.  Today we feel grief for the child that we lost many years ago; for the young woman who never got to be part of our family; for the future grand-children who will grow up on the other side of the continent.

About kp

I am a woman and a mother, a sister and a wife. I have called myself a socialist and a feminist, an environmentalist and an activist, a pagan and an atheist. But, at this stage in my life, none of these labels feel right. I am searching; trying to find an inner calm; trying to make peace with life's disappointments; trying to answer the big questions in my own small life.
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12 Responses to Grief for the Child Lost

  1. Beautiful, heartfelt expression. I am truly touched by your awareness. Grief is such a difficult feeling to process, but you do an amazing job here. As a stepparent myself, I hope others come across this blog of awareness.

    • kp says:

      Thank you Kimberly….It was hard to find the words and harder to write, but also therapeutic. Thank you for understanding what I have written!! Kim

  2. Chris Edgar says:

    I like how you just present the grief in its unvarnished form, as opposed to trying to draw a message or inspiration out of it — that’s one of the things I admire about this blog.

  3. ” While someone might have been to blame for tearing her out of our lives many years ago, today there is no one to blame. She has done nothing wrong; she has found love and happiness for which we are incredibly grateful. We have done nothing wrong but moved on with our lives as we needed to. No one is at fault. It just is. We love her. We miss her. “…

    And dear Kim, you have her within your lives, for she is still part of your family.. And as you have said above she loves you and yours..Sometimes it hits home when we see someone we love within an environment and others that seems to fit them like a glove,.. But you have acknowledged within your own words that families move on.. And thank God she has a another loving one to enfold her into … So many Children are split from their birth parents through no fault of their own, never to see their Dad or Mom again, .. Thank goodness Rebecca has known and still feels your love…
    Marriage is a time for any family to let go just a little more, as painful as that is… Its part of the fledgling taking flight… And its part of our own grieving process as we let them be who they wish to be…. and so it is… Its wonderful Kim you see this and acknowledge the process…
    Thinking about you Kim… I am sure the times you will see her in the future will be all the more special…. Sending you Love and a HUG! xxxx Sue

  4. That’s really tough, Kim. Hugs to you from worlds away xo

    • kp says:

      Thanks Alarna….I know that all of us have relationships in our lives, such as the one that we have with Rebecca, that cause us pain even though no one wants that to be the case. It feels good to see it clearly; to articulate it; and hopefully move past it. Kim

  5. My heart goes out to you. I know that kind of suffering and it can be so strong in families and with family members. I have known exclusion often from relatives for whom I have a lot of love and strong feelings. There is no easy way through it, but it is brave of you to write about it and make an attempt to articulate your feelings,

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