It has been an emotional week for me.  I was offered, and accepted, a new job that will begin in the new year.  This is good news.  I will no longer have to commute 4 hours per day.  I can work from home full-time.  I will have my life back again.  BUT, instead of celebrating, I have spent the week second guessing my decision.  This new job will pay $10,000 less per year than my current job.  It is a contract position with no long-term security.  It provides no pension and few benefits.

This is a familiar dance for me.  I make a decision based on some internal parameters that are hard to measure and then my head kicks in with all of the rational reasons why my decision is a poor one.  I think of it as the on-going battle between my ego and my soul.

My ego wants to be paid well; it wants job security; it wants a title that demonstrates to the world that  I am moving up in the world; it wants to be recognized as a success and as a leader in my field of work.

My soul, on the other hand, wants to do good work in the world.  My soul wants a voice; to be able to help shape policy and strategy in the work that I do; something that is difficult when one works for a government agency.  My soul wants to act on my creative ideas; to be able to do that quickly while the idea is fresh and new; to do so without getting approval from three layers of management; to do so without compromise.  My soul wants a high quality of life; to have time with my family; to have time for my self; to have time for friends and community.  My soul does not worry about the future.  My soul trusts that things will be okay.

To my credit, I am aware of this dance of mine, and have chosen with my soul, time and time again.  I have changed jobs several times over the last 20 years and in most cases, family, quality of life, and creative expression have won over job security, income and recognition.  And, in most instances, things have worked out.  But there is this inner voice that wonders if there is something wrong with me that I cannot fit in; that I cannot accept the limitations inherent in many jobs.

And then the Universe provides me with a little reminder; that we are meant to live fully; that we are meant to live fearlessly; that our hearts know our lives’ path if only we are brave enough to follow them.  So, once again, I am stepping off the cliff; choosing to trust my heart to guide me; choosing to be the Sacred Fool who trusts the Universe.