For months, I have been praying for guidance; for direction; for a sign. I have been commuting 4-hours per day to work for almost 11 months now. Reluctantly, I have felt myself pulled into the job; enjoying the work more than I thought I would; appreciating the feeling of being part of a team once again; feeling comforted by the financial security that comes with having a permanent position.
But the commute has been wearing me down. I feel like I have no life; I work, I sleep, I get ready for another week of work. I have been feeling that something has to change for several months. I have been agonizing over the decision; do I move closer to Toronto so I can stay at this job or do I look for a job that is closer to my home? For months, I have been searching both, the real estate and the job postings. Friends and family alike have been telling me to sit with the uncertainty; to wait for a sign; to ask for guidance. People have told me that I will know when it is time to decide. So, I have been biding my time. I have stopped obsessing over job sites and real estate listing. I have been simply living my life and putting out little prayers at the end of each day.
Then, two weeks ago, out of the blue, I got a call from a colleague. She told me about a position in her organization with a 2-year contract; a job I could do from home; a job in my current field. So, last week, I tossed my hat into the ring. For the first few days after doing so, I felt a deep sense of sadness; about possibly of not finishing my project; about leaving an employer that allows me to do good work. But over the last few days, something has shifted. I have found myself dreaming about not having to commute any more; about reclaiming my life; about having time and energy for me once more!! I have also started to feel excited about this new position; about the possibilities it presents; about the room for creativity it affords; about the room to do work that gives me a voice in the world.
So, now I am waiting; trying not to get too excited; trying to sit patiently in this place in between; waiting for things to unfold; holding the space of not knowing; and trying to trust that all will be well!