For months, I have been praying for guidance; for direction; for a sign. I have been commuting 4-hours per day to work for almost 11 months now. Reluctantly, I have felt myself pulled into the job; enjoying the work more than I thought I would; appreciating the feeling of being part of a team once again; feeling comforted by the financial security that comes with having a permanent position.
But the commute has been wearing me down. I feel like I have no life; I work, I sleep, I get ready for another week of work. I have been feeling that something has to change for several months. I have been agonizing over the decision; do I move closer to Toronto so I can stay at this job or do I look for a job that is closer to my home? For months, I have been searching both, the real estate and the job postings. Friends and family alike have been telling me to sit with the uncertainty; to wait for a sign; to ask for guidance. People have told me that I will know when it is time to decide. So, I have been biding my time. I have stopped obsessing over job sites and real estate listing. I have been simply living my life and putting out little prayers at the end of each day.
Then, two weeks ago, out of the blue, I got a call from a colleague. She told me about a position in her organization with a 2-year contract; a job I could do from home; a job in my current field. So, last week, I tossed my hat into the ring. For the first few days after doing so, I felt a deep sense of sadness; about possibly of not finishing my project; about leaving an employer that allows me to do good work. But over the last few days, something has shifted. I have found myself dreaming about not having to commute any more; about reclaiming my life; about having time and energy for me once more!! I have also started to feel excited about this new position; about the possibilities it presents; about the room for creativity it affords; about the room to do work that gives me a voice in the world.
So, now I am waiting; trying not to get too excited; trying to sit patiently in this place in between; waiting for things to unfold; holding the space of not knowing; and trying to trust that all will be well!
the not knowing is so hard! i wish you all the very best!!
It sounds like change is in the air! Fingers crossed for you :)
I love the advice your friends have been giving you, to sit with uncertainty. It is one of the hardest things for me to do! And yet, perhaps, it’s creating openings and possibilities such as the job you’ve applied for. My fingers are – belatedly – crossed for you. I’m behind in my blogging, so am looking forward to reading your more recent posts.
Thanks for the well wishes…I will let you all know what comes of it. Also, I too love that advice…even though it is really hard to follow through on. Kim