I spent a lot of time alone when I was young.  I had a rich imaginary life and enjoyed the solitude to slip into other roles and to create stories. For the last 30 years, I have had little alone time that belonged to me.  I am alone often for work but that time does not belong to me.  For thirty years, I have been working or going to school, and raising a family, and cooking and cleaning, driving kids to swimming, soccer and hockey.  For thirty years, I have fantasized about time to myself; time alone in a cabin, to write, to think, to simply be.  

And now, I am alone often, on Friday nights, Saturdays and Sundays.  The kids (who are 21 and 17 now) are out at friend’s houses, or a movie, or work, or school.  My husband is on work trips for weeks at a time.  So, it is just me, the cat and the dog in a quiet, empty house.  Part of me has been panicing about this over the last year; feeling lonely; feeling that there is something wrong with being alone; feeling like I should be busy with friends.  But that is changing…

I am starting to enjoy this quiet time.  I put a load of laundry on and read the paper over my coffee.  I do the dishes with music on, then read a book in the hammock.  I tidy the bathroom cupboard then make a cup of tea…. There are a list of things that need to be done and a list of people I ought to call, but I just can’t bring myself to do them.  I just want to be; I just want to enjoy this quiet time where I do what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it.  

I have joked with other moms in the empty nest transition stage, “I used to have a full life but I can’t remember what I used to do before I had children” to nods of understanding.   But as I relax into the solitude, it is coming back to me.  I used to read books, meditate, go to Yoga classes, paint, have friends over for meals, go out to movies… 

Right now, I don’t want to do much on weekends.  I just want to recuperate from crazy weeks spent working and commuting, but that will change.  Something will shift, but today, I am relishing the quiet of this house, the calm in my mind, and the peace in the moment.  I am starting to understand what comes after children; it is a well earned break from the physical and emotional demands of mothering.  It is time to claim back some time and energy for me.  It is an opportunity to re-claim an internal life.  It is far from the end.