I had a difficult week.  I was tired, frustrated with things at work, and irritated at with people at home.  I was feeling unhappy with my life.  But I took a few steps this week; steps that were not thought out; steps that just felt right; steps to take care of myself; steps to express myself; steps towards some future that I cannot yet see.

1. At Work:  I sent an e-mail to my Director telling her that I do not plan to stay at my job into next year.  It was not an angry note; it was clear, concise and respectful.  I told her that I appreciated the job and then identified the three reasons that I feel I will not be able to stay long-term.  I did this because I felt I had to say my piece.  I did it with no agenda.  I did it with no pre-conceived idea of how things would work out.  I felt incredibly light afterwards.

She phoned me when she received it and we talked for a long time about the dynamics in the office; what is working and what is not.  Right now, I see no way in which this will benefit me, but it may benefit the office.  Everyone in the office is frustrated but no one else is in a position to say anything because none of them feel they can afford to lose the job.  I am not sure that I can afford to lose my job, but I am pretty certain that I cannot stay long-term with the existing conditions.  So, I took action; not from my head; from my heart.

2.  At Home:  I told my husband how I am feeling about the dynamics in our household lately; how I feel he has not really been engaged lately; how I feel I am carrying more responsibility for the household than I feel I can handle when I am working 8 hours a day and commuting 4 hours a day; how I feel he is not communicating enough on financial issues to address my anxieties.   I was clear and honest.  Afterwards, I felt sad, a little scared, and light.  

Often, I don’t speak my truth with my husband and family because I am afraid of what will happen if I do.  I am not sure what I am afraid of; that they will be angry at me? that they will withdraw their love? that they will leave?  But I am feeling clearer about my need to take care of me these days.  For 30 years, I have been taking care of everyone, but I am experiencing health issues, and I am tired like I never used to be, and I know that I cannot continue to carry everyone I love.   So, it is time to speak up; to let them know what I need; to give them the opportunity to carry a greater share of the responsibility; for them to lift some of the weight from my shoulders.

3.  Creatively:  I had someone download all of my posts on this website to a memory stick.  I don’t know about others but I don’t save my posts anywhere else.  This downloading sounds like a little thing but it is not.  For me, it the first steps towards something that is still unformed in my mind.  The next step is to rework some of the posts; to take some of the good ideas in these posts and spend more time on them.  With what goal I ask myself?  But I refuse to answer.  There is some precious seed wrapped inside this action but I am scared of naming it; scared that someone will steal it from me; that someone will laugh at the idea; that the idea will die before it is fully formed.  I refuse to name it because the someone I fear lives within my head.  I am trying to hide the dream from myself; to protect it until it is strong enough to withstand the withering examination of the critical voice within my head.

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