I am feeling discombobulated today. My commuter train is down because of a derailment. I slept in and missed the bus that was to be my alternate mode of transportation. So, I am back at home, feeling tired and cranky. As I think about it, I never really relaxed this weekend. All weekend, I was working on an abstract for an article I have been asked to write and on a new post for my non-profit organization. So, I did not get my housework done; I never took the time to write a post for this site; and I did not really make time to relax. I was “working” all weekend with my mind and on a computer. I never really took time to re-generate or to prepare for another week of work.
So today, I am feeling it; scattered, tired and unsettled. I feel like I am trying to do too much. Too much that does not feed my soul. Too little to take care of my material needs. Too little to take care of my spiritual needs. I know better. I have been here before many times in my life. An Astrologer, who did my chart for me years ago, described me as “driven”. I am driven; not by money or ambition; but by the need to be seen and recognized. Somewhere along the line, I gave up on feeling loved by my parents, and settled for being recognized in my field. It drives me to work harder than I should. It drives me to sacrifice time for myself. It drives me to sacrifice things I enjoy. It is a pattern I have seen, recognized and corrected in my life, time and time again.
So, today I am asking myself, how do I fix it? How do I find balance in a hectic life? What can I cut out of my life? Do I move so I can spend less time commuting every day? Or do I let my non-profit organization go; stop doing articles and newsletters that I am not being paid to produce? It feels like a riddle without a solution; one that has me spinning my wheels.
But all weekend, there has been this little voice in my head whispering; “Ask for a leave of absence; one that can be spread over the year; so you can work one less day each week. One day to dedicate to your non-profit organization; one day to keep your weekends clear of work; one day to help keep yourself grounded and centred?” Hunh.
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afternoonstorm 
Hi Kim,
Boy, can I relate to ‘too much to do’ and little or no rejuvenation time. I am also a ‘driven’ person whose chart says my ‘self-esteem will come through recognition of my hard work.’ (Sun in the 6th house, for one thing.) So what happened? I got punched into bed–this is the 15th year and the ‘little engine that could’ still burns inside me, dragging me down whenever I begin to feel better and want to ‘accomplish.’ Can you believe the fixed-ness that has to be inside, for me to still be acting this way? It’s human nature, I guess, but we are supposed to be growing wiser as we age. And we do–it’s just that the little voice that pushes doesn’t go down without a fight. :) It’s job is to keep us from being ‘in the moment,’ the place of inspiration that guides us about what to do now, the place of non-confusion. We have to set aside regular time for quiet breathing, at least, in order to stop the demanding voices. I wish you well on this leg of your journey–I’m not sure how far into ourselves we can go in any one lifetime–but it’s still worth it.
Love,
Pam
Hi Pam…I am not surprised that we share this quality too!! But I have been luckier with my health than you…I have however felt my health slipping over the last few years as a result of my neglect…and I do find that I get get sick or unwell when I get too fixated on work. It is a struggle; to break habits and needs that drive us; particularly when they are focused on the income that pays our bills. We will keep reminding each other!! With love….kim
I too struggle with this. Searching for those things to cut. Needing a real break…..And yet, I cut nothing and now I am sick for the third time this year. Time to listen to my body!
Hi Beckie…these seem to be tough patterns to break…even when I get a clear message about how to change it, I don’t always listen. Kim
so did you listen to that little voice, or is it just getting louder? ;-)
HI…I have not listened to it yet….and yes, it is getting louder!!
those voices are sneaky aren’t they?! ;-)