All the doors were closing this week, or so it seemed to me. One of the organizations needed for my project proposal was not lining up. Th
e funder did not feel the lead organization was appropriate for the proposal. And the organization deemed to be appropriate is not eligible to submit a proposal to this funder this year. It was all falling apart; my project idea; the months of work; the source of my income for the next year. So, I was having a bit of a melt-down.
I am fortunate however, that I have this wise friend who was able to talk me off the ledge and away from the brink of despair. “You are talking about a lot of closed doors, but I see a lot of new opportunities” she countered philosophically. “The funder did not say there was no funding for the lead orgaization, they said the prospects for THIS proposal were not good. The partner organization did not say they would not partner with you, they said how about developing a project that meets one of our priorities? The universe is not shutting you down, it is directing you!”
Well, when you put it that way……it does not sound so bad. So why was I curled up in a ball on the verge of a breakdwon? Because I can not visualize the other projects right now? Because I thought this proposal was a done deal? Because my funding ran out a few months ago, even though the work did not, and I am feeling a little desperate? Because I have a limited view of my skills and expertise? Or, all of the above?
I know that I can make a good project happen if I can visualize it, but I have trouble believing I can make something happen that I have not yet visualized. “That is called blind faith” my friend countered. Leaping into the abyss. Seeing that there is an opportunity here. Trusting that I can come up with an idea that might meet the priorities of the funder. All of this requires an opening of my mind to new possibilities; to a broader sense of my self; to the belief that I am being guided by the Universe.
After the meeting with the partner organization that invited me to develop a proposal that would meet their priorities, I took the subway to Union Station in Toronto and hopped on the westbound GO Train headed for Hamilton. A few moments into the trip, the conductor announced, “This train is eastbound for Whitby.” I was on the wrong train!! I got off at the next station to learn that I would have to wait for an hour for the next westbound train. After considerable cursing at myself, I pondered the metaphor inherent in the situation while sitting in the first sunlight of the day. “I am on a train that is headed in the wrong direction” I asked myself?? Again, later my friend disagreed, “No, you are on a train that is headed in an unanticipated direction where you will bask in the sunlight!!”
afternoonstorm 
KP,
I swear, we could be sisters! Thank you for baring your soul and sharing your ups and downs, which helps your readers to self-reflect. I love coming along on your journey. Know that all is as it should be.
Pam
Thanks Pam….I really appreciate hearing from you…and your support always seem to show up when I am wondering why I bother blogging…KP
KP,
My two-year blogging anniversary is coming up on June 9. I felt inspired to begin with a specific message that Love is God and God (whatever form he/she takes) is LOVE. But you know what? The blog is my journal. When I look back at the posts, I can see what I was feeling and thinking and where I shined and where I sunk into the dark mire of depression. We are sharing our journies with others, but they are our memories–for us. I also noticed that the words themselves, or maybe the feeling behind them, seemed to change me, that in seeing my feelings written down, I grew beyond them. So, blog away, dear friend, so that when you look back, you will see how you grew.
Thanks Pam…I am having a difficult week…and your kind and understanding words really do help. I do find that the writing seems healing in itself but I keep asking myself “how is it different than writing in a journal?” which I also do. It is different though…There is something about knowing that other people may read it that is meaningful. Are you doing better this week in terms of missing your four-legged buddy?? Kp
You’re right–there is a ‘fellowship of the words.’ :) It’s not that zillions of people see our posts, but we who bare our souls do join together and something more is made from the joining. I guess it comes down to that, the joining.
And, I’m missing Max a lot–thanks so much for asking. I think of him all the time and keep expecting him to come out of my room, or to follow me around. I don’t want to keep crying, but I think it’s going to be a while…Take care of yourself.
Pam, I told my family about you losing Max, and it has helped all of us to be more appreciative of, and demonstrative with, our dog, Sam. She is a sweet and un-demanding soul, so much so that it is easy to take her for granted, or to neglect her needs for attention and fun walks. You are right about the sharing of our stories through blogs. Your support through your blog, and your response to my posts, has been very important to me. Kp