When Fear Takes Hold

Fear has taken hold of me once more.   It started yesterday and it has not abated.  For the last 10 months, I have been really busy with a project, and during that period, I was fine.  The funding ran out about 6 weeks ago and I was still fine because I was still really busy.  But this week, the crash came.  I was tying up loose ends on my old project and trying to think about what to do next, and it hit.  The panic.  The anxiety.  The fear.  This week, I had time to think; time to sit; time to worry; and time to feel quite alone in the world.  This happens to me when I am between projects and without an income.

I have just finished this project; a very successful project that has been received very well by the intended audience.  There was clearly a pent-up demand for the work I did.  So, I should be feeling proud, secure in my abilities, and confident about my future prospects.  But instead, I am spiraling out of control in a downward direction. I am worrying that any future work will go to the sponsoring agency that has made no commitment to keep me on-board.  I am anxious that my government colleagues will no longer see me as a partner now that I  am back to being a free-lance consultant.  I am terrified that I would never be funded if I set up my own non-profit because my organization would have no funding history.  I am feeling trapped.  I am feeling lost and alone.

So I just spent the morning searching websites for jobs…oh, and for homes in other communities…..doing it in a frenzy…thinking I will commute 4 hours a day if I have to…thinking I will take a junior position if gives me some financial security and a “family” of colleagues…thinking I will move to a community that can provide me with a job.

When I get like this, my husband is always a little shocked.  He kindly refrains from laughing at me; at the absurdity of my fears, the depth of my anxiety, and the speed with which I crash to earth.  He reminds me, calmly and slowly, as if speaking to a very young child or a frenzied dog, that I have options and a good reputation.  He reminds me that I have been here before, materially and emotionally, and that things have always worked out.  But, this time,  the poor man is out in the field, in a different time zone, working 12 hours a day, and trying to provide emotional support over a cell phone between interviews!!

Honestly, there  is a part of me that can see the humor in this.  The fact that, at 53, I can still fall apart so quickly with just a little bit of time on my hands, is really quite comedic.  The adult voice in my head, which is very, very tiny right now, is saying: “Wow, what is underlying all of this fear?  Why do you forget everything you know about yourself, your abilities, and the universe so quickly?”  But there is a very loud voice shouting her down: “Can’t you see???  It is a dog eat dog world out there.  It is every woman for herself.  And I can not do this alone!!”

So, I am sitting here in my jammies, on the verge of tears, wondering how I will get through the long weekend alone.  When I am done here, I will likely go make a long list of things that need doing, and do my best to avoid being alone.  Hmmmm….

About kp

I am a woman and a mother, a sister and a wife. I have called myself a socialist and a feminist, an environmentalist and an activist, a pagan and an atheist. But, at this stage in my life, none of these labels feel right. I am searching; trying to find an inner calm; trying to make peace with life's disappointments; trying to answer the big questions in my own small life.
This entry was posted in Healing & Compassion, Job Termination, Signs, God & Universe, Work Life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to When Fear Takes Hold

  1. KP–While we humans may have strongly feared in the past about things happening in our own lives, we’re tapping somewhat into global fears now, even if we don’t know it. The world is a mess of imbalance, caused mostly by neverending greed, which can and does lead to war. We live in unsettled times, during which we are asked to strip away all that really isn’t us and really isn’t ours. It’s hard, but necessary to our evolution.
    I wish I could say I haven’t been exactly where you were when you wrote this post, but it wouldn’t be true.:) My daughter said to me several weeks ago, “I know we don’t have enough money, mom! Get over it! God always takes care of us.” So, I pass her message on to you, hoping as I do that you are feeling more confident about yourself and your future. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved, by the greatest LOVE of all.

    • kp says:

      Dear Notes: What a lovely note. Thank-you. I do know what you mean about picking up on the “fear” in the world. I am finding it helpful to write through it. I felt much better as soon as I wrote that post. I also appreciate what your daughter had to say to you. How much of our materialism comes from the fear that there will not be enough? kp

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